Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had a friend like me

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

   I don't know about Samuel Jackson doing Capitol One commercials. Something about an angry black man asking what's in my wallet makes me very nervous.

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.

   Yeah,, I could just roll in this bar and announce that I'm Thor's brother,, but I'm just gonna keep it Loki tonight.

   She wore a raspberry beret, but NOT the kind you find in a secondhand store,, (cuz those will give you head lice.)

   Drunk driving, sniffing cocaine, smoking crack, eating p ussy, drinking on the job, rendezvous with prostitutes...All in a days work for Toronto's mayor!!

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want

   Rob Ford is slowly becoming one of the greatest Canadians of all time....

   Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.

   Rob ford is the real life Mayor Quimby.

   since when did "Thats above my pay grade...." has become the acceptable answer at Mcdonalds?

   WHATS?!?!?....You want me to work on Friday??? "

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   Only thing Obama tried to fix today was the 2014 elections.....

   I just sneezed hard while taking a poop.....I think I just lost my colon

   I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.