Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties

   Warning. This property is protected 4 nights a week by a guy with a 12 gauge shotgun. You guess the nights.

   Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot

   Psychic Sylvia Browne has died...... You think she saw it coming?

   I wish I could say it"s nice to see Michael Bolton working again, but it's really not. Thanks Honda.

   Hey A Rod, the steroids must've clouded your memory. It seems you've forgotten you're a douche...

   Enough with the Pitt Bull pics already....

   A man is a man all of his life, but a woman's just horny until she's your wife.

   Paris Hilton is the kind of girl who would buy tickets to see Xbox Live.

   All of mankind is descended of a man and a woman who had two sons. Think about that. Take as much time as you need.

   I know that the change in seasons is good, fireplaces, hot toddy's, we need the rain, etc. But couldn't we just set our clocks back again please, to, I dunno, July???!!!

   Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I wou

   "You have to pass it to find out what's in it." Isn't that also true for a stool sample?

   Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?

   .. .----. -- / -... .-. .. -. --. .. -. --. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / -... .- -.-. -.- ? ? ? Screw texting I'm bringing Morse Code back

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you would get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   when I think of a selfie, I'm not sure it's the same thing you're thinking of

   If I cut you off and didn't tell you why. That means I lost all respect for you and you don't even deserve an explanation.

   Obama starts off every speech with a lie...."My fellow Americans"