Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im thinking of changing my name to Reason.... Because no one ever listens to me.

   The party's not over 'till you smile for the mugshot. ;-p

   Apparently, California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression. It's a sad State of affairs....

   The besth thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?

   ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there's no hard feelings

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over....yep she needs a walker!

   An old lady at my dad's grocery store was mad because the turkeys were small. She asked, "Do you think they'll get bigger right before Thanksgiving? " I said, "No mam." She goes, "Why?" I go, because they're dead."

   Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

   Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.

   How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.

   Have you ever noticed people who work in designer stores have attitudes like they can afford to not work in a store?

   Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, b*tch I will muzzle you.

   You know the economy is bad when black folks can't afford to talk during a movie.

   Hey girl. Your cleavage is not a YouTube video. More views doesn’t make it any better than the rest.

   Siri, where are my pants?

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   Just when I think I'm done being a fool, I see something else super shiny and stupid to do.