Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .

   I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.

   I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   No matter how hard life gets just remember there are always people out there who love you, if you pay them enough.

   Relationship status: Taken but not stirred.

   The neighbors dog is thankful I'm not drunk enough to discharge a firearm in the city limits. yet.

   Happy Elastic Waistband Day

   Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   Have may stretch pants on.....do you?

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   The president pardoned a turkey yesterday...shouldn't it be the other way around?

   My secret special ingredient herb for my stuffing is, Marijuana. . .

   Took my girlfriend window shopping. She’s just looking at a bunch of shoes we haven’t even bought a window yet :(

   Even if I had an antidote for fixing stupid people I won't cure them, why should I kill the entertainment of my life.

   When in doubt, take a nap.

   I want to see a volcano erupt because I have an interest in geology. I want to see one erupt under your house because you're an a$$hole

   I am black and I still think Kanye West is the biggest Douche of the Century!

   If knowing is half the battle, maybe its time to admit that you are losing the war.