Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when people come up in my chat on Facebook, I feel like Facebook is like "Go on. Open that pandoras box" LOL

   At the store today I bought some recycled Tiolet paper....question....how did they get it so white?

   If milk goes to $8 a gallon its gonna be hard for you ladies to trust anymore.. Cuz you always gonna wonder if he really likes you for you or cuz he loves him some Lucky Charms...

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   Gronk out for season. Ramsey will throw the cheese curls in the air again.

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.

   Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.

   I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.

   I guess that they couldn't 'debug' Grace Hopper this time....

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   I don't want anyone to bother me with stupid $h!t today. Stupid $h!t is defined as anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   Being smart doesn't stop yolu from doing stupid things.

   If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.