Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just inbox me if you wanna ask something avoid my wall

   If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   I'd play more video games if I didn't have a fully functioning pen*s.

   The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.

   I used to complain aobut how much a cup of coffee was at Starbucks... after seeing how much a "cup" is at the VIctoria Secret Fashion show, I'm getting a GREAT deal at Starbucks...

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!

   Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games.

   R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama

   I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show

   The only thing girls are going to get from watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is depression, an eating disorder & turn lesbian!

   Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on, all girls are depressed right now.

   Drunk Cow Tipping: get drunk and Tipsy with a cow.

   Feeling like a movie tonight....I think I'll watch Fast and Furious 6 and then maybe half of 7

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   If someone is asking for advice, don't tell them to "just be yourself". They wouldnt ask you if that was working.

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world