Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.

   "Christmas" Trees $5.00 per ft...."Holiday" Trees $20 per ft......Merry Christmas!

   Ravens fans, What's does excitement and happiness feel like? Curious Redskins fan.

   The "AMERICAN" flag in my yard is hanging at half staff for those lost in Pearl Harbor, no one else.....that is all

   It's so cold out by the time I walked to the car, the footlong I got at Subway was on a 6 incher.

   $15 an hour just to put a pickle on a bun? What are you? A McDummy?

   There's no feeling in the world like when two people want each other so bad... to die.

   I opened the door and pulled up a chair for you, so we are engaged now.

   I think I'll go shovel the "Global Warming" out of the driveway!

   You wouldn't feel the need to talk about your beauty if you already know you are beautiful.

   ATTENTION: Miley Cyrus is worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. She probably doesn't care what we think of her.

   At the 2010 Winter Olympics, I brought home the gold for smushing down the garbage so I don't have to bring it outside.

   Even though Kanye West DID NOT compare himself to Nelson Mandela, would it really surprise anyone if he actually had?

   Most meteorologists are men. That's why when they say you're going to get 8-12 inches of snow, you really only end up getting 4-6 inches.

   I tried to guilt my wife into a BJ by reminding her "Tis the season of giving". I hope she was joking when she said "I gave at the office".

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

   Everybody is a victim in their own eyes...

   All shoes are technically buy one get one free...

   Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.