Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you have that one family member that keeps you away from your other family?

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

   Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

   You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.

   If I burned the bridge between us.. Chance are you gave me the match..

   I just wanna have sex with someone who isn't snoring.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   Relationship Status : Packing my bags.

   If I cut you off,chances are high that you gave me the scissors

   So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?

   Big win for the Catholic church as Pope Francis takes Time Magazine's person of the year barely edging out finalists tea bagger Ted Cruz, prostitute Miley Cyrus, and worst president since Jefferson Davis Barack Obama.

   Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   Shadows give the coolest advice.

   ''Do I look like a motherf**king comedian? Don't f**king heckle me. I'm Kanye motherf**king West. I'm dead f**king serious.''

   If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

   Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

   You want to put friendship to the test? Put both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of the car for an hour. Open up the trunk to see who's really happy to see you.