Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't forget to put zero effort into everything then complain how you never get anything you want today!

   I'm white, but I'm not 'buy a Christmas gift for the Mailman' white.

   I can't decided if I'd rather see him naked or on fire. Is that love?

   MTV has canceled teen mom 3, because they know when to pull out.

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!!

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   If you can sing Jingle Bells without jiggling your "gentleman's sausage" then you're way more mature than me.

   So Paul Walker was cremated... I hate to point out the obvious...

   Ladies no amount of alcohol should ever make you go barefoot in the club. You are not Wilma Flintstone

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe

   I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.

   I think ppl should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS......Seriously.....you and your toilet are not sexy......

   I don't play hard to get I play get away from me you creep.

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; not a government agency.

   I decided to become a vegetarian once but gave it up when I realized pork isn't a vegetable...

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   I'll wait for you at the finish line, I'm taking a cab.

   We have so much in common, you want to travel, I want you to go.

   The new breakup line: "It's not you. It's your timeline."