SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.

   My dentist just said I'm getting a crown! I must have been a *super* good patient today.

   Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.

   The Perfect Plan: 1. Shoot boss with arrow. 2. Blame poor AT&T coverage for not calling 9-1-1 in time. 3. Tell police it was Cupid.

   3-way stops make me think that one of the stops doesn't really want to do it, but wants to make the others happy.

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   I'm afraid if we keep calling Jeremy Lin an Underdog, his family will eat him.

   I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   And here's your Valentine's Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

   I wish personal ads could be honest, like 'Toxic seeks Self-Loathing.'

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.