SEAN Funny Status Messages

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   Do video games cause violence? Why don't you ask these teens kicking all the animals at the petting zoo hoping they burst into coins.

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

   I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.

   Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".