Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!