Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" - The story of a homeless guy and his dog shunned by society during the holidays.

   I think The Grinch and Oscar the Grouch were seperated at birth.

   Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

   All of your panties become g-strings if you have a big enough ass.

   When fat people say that they're on a diet it just means they've started using napkins to try and take some grease off their pizzas.

   "Twerking" is in the dictionary but "Fingering" is not. I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.

   How overweight do I have to be to apply for the American citizenship?

   That's cool that your boyfriend is a male model but no I can't lend you money for food or rent.

   All I'm saying is some of us would get in the van without the candy.

   I really do see myself being in a committed relationship some day. Only destiny (or the courts) can decide to which institution.

   J ewish Santa is just like black Santa except one pinches pennies and the other pinches fat asses.

   We go together like salt and slugs.

   Can't decide what underwear to answer the door in tonight.

   The liquor store answers more questions than google.

   I want you and pizza. I'm so good at this romance sh*t.

   I'm also available in sober

   Grown men who post elf on a shelf photos have the same number of balls as that elf...

   I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.

   Buys Mega-Millins ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.