Funny Status Messages

   Why Whiskey? Because sometimes happiness needs and opening act.

   Relationship Status: Granny Panties

   Just heard two fat b*** tches fighting over a seat on the bus. one 60yrs, standing the other with kids sitting down. It wasnt annoying until I realized they was both fighting and screamin at each other for the section with the handicap seat! Thx Obamacare

   So, this guy left work a little bit ago for a cataract removal Since he's Japanese, Ihave no idea if he needs eye surgery or his escalade towed.

   I think I'm allergic to low-energy lightbulbs. Whenever I switch one on, I can barely fecking see for twenty minutes.

   Stop saying "woot woot". It's immature and annoying. Oh, that includes texting it as well.

   Roses are red My love for you is twisted Bend over my darling You're gonna get fisted

   Valentine's Day special: Half dozen condoms for sale. Expire on 3/2014! $4 or best offer. I doubt I'll need em.

   If you can buy clothes in Extra Large or Extra Small, why is there no Extra Medium?

   I can't wait for the Amanda Knox extradition party. I hear it's gonna be a killer!

   I just saw two Latino's shooting hoops. I think it was Juan on Juan.

   You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?

   Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.

   My boss insists I need to start using my head, so I wore a cap to work today.

   I lost my job at the emergency hotline because I kept answering “share the joke” when people called and said “I’m dying here”

   I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.

   A Facebook s tatus update so confusing you turn your radio down to read it.

   They say money can't buy you happiness, but I've got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what people do for open bar!

   I just saw a Middle-Eastern guy vigorously shaking out a carpet off a 3rd floor balcony in my condo building. I yelled out, "WHAT UP, AKBAR? IT WON'T START?"