Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

   Ladies, if you want a man to stop staring at your chest eat a banana.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   i am not getting any invites lately about any farm, fish, park, mafia or candy crush hope the people who are playing them are all ok ...

   Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2's?

   Sorry but I need a moment to myself guys. The girl I have been stalking but too chicken sh*t to ask out has just changed her relationship status to "in a relationship"

   For once in my life, I like to push a cart in Walmart, let it go and roll for at least two feet straight WITHOUT fu¢king turning left on its own.

   That's a lovely shade of Instagram you're wearing

   it's not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, who is poor

   Bananas don't go back once they go black either.

   So let me get this straight -- somewhere a huge NSA data center is storing untold terabytes of data with text like "lol my cat just did a funny" and "u looking good gf"

   BREAKING: NY Jets trade Kellen Winslow for Pee Wee Herman...

   If Kellen Winslow offers to bring you Boston Market, say NO!

   Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   █████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██.

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   I thought the new $100 bill was new... Turns out I've just been broke since they came out

   I stopped trusting you when you offered me a decaf coffee.

   Most relationships are like Rick Ross, they don't work out.