Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   So you mean to tell me that speed dating doesn't involve methamphetamines?

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   Sometimes I get mad at my hand just for the make up sex.

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

   I need a full body the selfie movement ain't doin it for me lady's

   Research has shown that more than 70% of apologies are meaningless bullsh*t.

   Didn't the volleyball in Castaway win an Oscar?

   Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.

   Look, I am fed up with the gays demanding and ordering what they want. You are sick People. You have an Illness that needs a cure. Stop badgering the Normal people because you feel you need to express your sickness.

   Wishing death on someone ain't cool. Except when it's your ex, wish for a cruel death.

   There is a thin line between girlfriend allowance and a prostitute's fee. Jokes.

   Jennifer Aniston's acting has the emotional range of the volleyball in Castaway.

   If you axe me I be hatin' Ebonics.

   Justin Bieber, why you no die drag racing like Paul Walker?

   Justin Bieber arrested for DUI and street racing. He was under the influence of drugs and was incoherent. He resisted arrest without violence and didnt have a drivers license. There is no joke here, the headline is funny enough on its own merit.

   When a dumb chick takes her boyfriend back after catching him cheating on her, 90% of the time he will celebrate by cheating again.

   During love making she said "deeper" so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

   an episode of Cougar Town? No, sorry. I have plans on watching my car rust

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants