Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Dumba$$".

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   I only buy comforter sets that have white spots in the pattern

   Justin Bieber got arrested. His Blood levels showed Alcohol, Marijuana, and large amounts of Flintstones Chewable vitamins.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...

   Dear Mother Nature: Get off the Vortex aleready.

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   I went to the doctor for $hits and giggles because I'm pretty sure those two things arent suppose to happen at the same time.

   There once was a man from Salem. Who liked to break wind and inhale them... Then he'd burp with delight, a despicable sight. But you wouldn't need a blood hound to trail him...

   If your manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. you could be suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

   Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can't believe they haven't paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.

   A woman spits out 30,000 words a night, gets mad that you don't remember words 21,191 - 21,198.

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   beer I'm fine...wine I'm blind!

   True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line.

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   Oh Lawd, this woman in Wal Mart has a box of tampns and bottle of Midol in her.....Please everyone stay out of her way!

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   Omg look at my baby scans, they are so original and definitely don't look exactly the same as every other baby in the world.