Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing like choking someone with love to make them run away from you.

   Who is Valentine's? And why is my girlfriend talking about him a lot lately?

   I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

   Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

   This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

   Anytime I meet a Realtor, I drop my pants and ask her if this is a lot??

   Love does not fade with time, shape, weight, looks and bank balance; It's your own damn fault that you’re Jobless.

   Have any of you experienced a ringing in your ear that lasts maybe 20 or 30 seconds? Every time it happens to me I keep thinking I'm going to hear "This is Lex Luthor. Only one thing alive with less than four legs can hear this frequency Superman and that

   There is nothing better than a woman who's a screamer, even if it is because she just caught you spying in her window.

   The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.

   BREAKING NEWS! Sad story, Justin Bieber's body has been found alive in his NYC apartment. A moment of silence please for the music industry .

   I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.

   "Thesaurus", Was the first dinosaur to get murdered... Ugh, No one likes a know it all.

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "You're donating to Locks of Love?"

   I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.

   Finally shaved my legs...donated it to Locks of Love

   because of the Polar Vortex.... I've been in a purely textual relationship

   Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunately, 95% of them spit it out.

   Hey Canada, when you're griping about how hot it is the one day it hits 70, remember, in the south we call that winter.

   It's so darn cold outside I saw a redneck'a tooth chattering!