Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I'm ever in a convenience that is getting robbed, I'm loading my pockets before the police get there.

   I'm convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...

   Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"

   I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig.

   when I see a pretty girl all I can think to myself is "There's no way she is gonna put up with my crazy."

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.

   If you love someone set them free. If they come back with two police officers, it means stalking was not a good idea.

   Update: an update has been well described as the process whereby the update of a person becomes the update of another without passing through the mind of either.

   Macklemore swept the Rap categories, now I get why its called The Heist.

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   Boy, I'd hate to be your therapist. -All my friends

   I am not acting childish and you're just a big doody-head.

   Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.

   Can't wait for the NFL Pro Bowl tonight said no one ever.

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.