Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop saying "woot woot". It's immature and annoying. Oh, that includes texting it as well.

   Roses are red My love for you is twisted Bend over my darling You're gonna get fisted

   Valentine's Day special: Half dozen condoms for sale. Expire on 3/2014! $4 or best offer. I doubt I'll need em.

   If you can buy clothes in Extra Large or Extra Small, why is there no Extra Medium?

   I can't wait for the Amanda Knox extradition party. I hear it's gonna be a killer!

   I just saw two Latino's shooting hoops. I think it was Juan on Juan.

   You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?

   Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.

   My boss insists I need to start using my head, so I wore a cap to work today.

   I lost my job at the emergency hotline because I kept answering “share the joke” when people called and said “I’m dying here”

   I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.

   A Facebook s tatus update so confusing you turn your radio down to read it.

   They say money can't buy you happiness, but I've got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what people do for open bar!

   I just saw a Middle-Eastern guy vigorously shaking out a carpet off a 3rd floor balcony in my condo building. I yelled out, "WHAT UP, AKBAR? IT WON'T START?"

   Only if women knew how special it makes a man feel when you wake him up in the middle of the night to give you some coz you are feeling horny.

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   It's amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.

   My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!