Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a problem with pain pills, I can't find them anywhere!

   I was discussing NFL football with a friend when he asked ‘When was the last time the Redskins had a decent season?’ I replied ‘I think it was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America.’

   Can't decide what to get my lover for Valentine's. Like, do I buy it a new case, get it serviced or just constantly tell my phone I love it?

   If your bed has ruffles and 7 pillows on it, you must be Gay or Married.

   If you don't remember the last woman you made love to, you must be Gay or Married

   A Bagel: A roll with a hole. A F@t Girl: A hole with a roll.

   If you think its hard to kiss at night the lips that chewed your ass all day, you must be Gay or Married.

   Its not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   ts not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   I don't want to say you're unattractive, but do they have face transplants?

   When Valentine's day is round the corner, all Forever alone people start enumerating the benefits of being single.

   The terminator and my ex have a lot in common. They both said they'd be back.

   You called me "Honey." You brought me dinner. You met my family. And now you tell me you are just a waitress doing your job?

   I had too much to drink so I did the right thing and walked home from the bar instead of driving. Then I got busted for public intoxication. FML.

   I don't mind if you talk behind my back. It puts you in a better position to kiss my a$$.

   Ladies don't call a guy you are not romantically interested encouraging things like "babe", "love" or "hun". This is will only give the poor sods false hope.

   You want to look through my medicine cabinet? Fine. Just don't look through my nightstand.

   You are a pain in the ovaries!

   Oh well.. There is still time for Justin Bieber to accidentally over dose. . .