Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing your inspirational tweets inspire me to do is b*tch slap you so you'll stop.

   I guess papa johns is going to start serving pizza turnovers

   I want to be the reason you scream, even of it's because I turned off the WiFi

   Hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper mid-wipe. Other than that, I've enjoyed my first week working at the old people's home

   If there is no WiFi in heaven that sounds like hell to me.

   "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak".

   Who had a better Sunday, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Peyton Manning???

   Soccer gives he@d.

   The term "Politically Correct" is an idealistic, abstract term. Not in the social sense, but in the sense that politicians have an inability to do anything correct.

   I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.

   Who put the oral in immoral?

   And some life's are not meant for happy endings!

   My girlfriend said she wanted us to have a fairytale romance. So I poisoned her apple.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   Roses are Red Violets are blue Beer is delicious Poetry is Hard Beer

   If you own a dog that can fit inside a handbag, you don't own a dog ... or even a pet. You own a fashion accessory that sh*ts a lot.

   I was playing Chess today. I beat my wife. Then I went back to playing chess.

   I usually can stay pretty strong . Today is a weaker day...maybe I'm "ovary"acting...

   Did the Broncos win the Super Bowl? I've seen thousands of children in Africa wearin Broncos shirts!

   Was late getting to the Super Bowl party and missed the first 15 seconds, but the game was already over.