Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who's birdbrained? They flew south while we are freezing are asses off in this polar vortex

   The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   They should send "Get well soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

   "That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers

   At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds

   Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.

   Facebook is just like soap opera, meanlingless and trival BS...

   I just had Déjà vu...and you were a b itch both times.

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   I don't always eat my boogers... but when I do, it's because I'm on coke

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   Facebook is like an empty fridge. You keep checking it even though you know nothing will be there.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears. Bears will kill you.

   People leave, so I keep their voodoo dolls.

   Ride me like the pony you never got.