Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard

   Protip: Chew on white crayons for cheap and easy fillings

   Myspace has invaded Facebook > Facebook Movie...

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, Dead

   Facebook movie. Well played NSA.

   Ken Ham: Purple Monkey Dishwasher.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   Why was your bf wearing your bra?

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses and play scrabble. SCIENCE!

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.

   it's such a turn on when my bf can take my bra off with one hand..