Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

   Angels are just dead people who drink Red Bull.

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Keep calm and pretend it never happened.

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   Michael J. Fox show canceled. I knew from the beginning it was a little shakey

   If you have an iPhone ask Siri what's today's holiday lmfao

   Saw a girl driving while talking on her cell phone. Made me so mad I almost threw my beer at her

   Went for a swim b*tch'ed slaped a whale, handcuffed lighting threw thunders @$$ in jail

   Can you believe it?? A cop just pulled me over for texting!! I let him off with a warning.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   I Can't Believe It Is And Is Not Schrödinger's Butter

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   Too many snakes and not enough ladders these days

   Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.

   CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, "It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health." I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Cir

   Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.