santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   Hey ... Santa saw your Facebook pictures .... Santa saw your Facebook pictures. … Looks like you're going to be getting some clothes and a Bible for Christmas ....

   To America's welfare recipients ..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas".. From the rest of us hard working Americans slaving away every freakin' Day to provide for your well being.

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   If you're genuinely surprised that a successful political outsider won the Presidency instead of the corrupt Politician in the pantsuit, Please sit down .... There's something important I need to tell you about Santa Claus .....

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   TAMPAX has announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel ....... This is for the Christmas period only!

   I've decided not to say "Happy Holidays" this Christmas Season .... I am going to go totally rogue and badass and say .... "Merry Christmas" ... instead!! .... Hope I don't ruin anybody's Christmas.

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".