bego Funny Status Messages

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.

   When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.

   Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

   I live for two reasons… 1. I was born. 2. I haven’t died yet.

   Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%

   Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

   Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.

   At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.

   Nowadays people feel they need to identify with others before they can even identify with themselves.

   Even if oil prices go down, I’m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor’s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he’s an a&shole.