SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.

   Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.

   Due to the ever changing musical landscape, we may never know who rocked the party that rocked your body.

   I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.