SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...

   Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.

   Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn't Realize I Was Retarded.

   Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   It's cool when a band smashes their equipment after their last song. It'd be even cooler if Creed did it before their first song.

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...