Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.

   Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour ga y.

   If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

   I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn't be allowed to leave Wal Mart.

   Baby we complete each other. I'm the typo and you're my autocorrect.

   I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.

   There is nothing wrong with making the same mistake twice as long as you admit it, apologize and accept that you're stupid.

   Guess Lil Wayne actually heard some of his own songs. They do the same thing to me.

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   I fear the day someone invents a vibrator that can also open jars.

   90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.

   Error 404: Hugo Chavez Not Found

   Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Unless their shoes are Crocs. Those as sholes can die in a fire.

   If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   I'll have a little of whatever God was on when he invented seahorses please.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.