Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.

   "Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night on Saturday does not prevent Sunday. There is no cure.

   If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window.

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.