Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If walking to car on a frozen driveway was in the olympics I would take the gold. So graceful when I almost fall down.

   "all dressed up and nowhere to go" atheist tombstone

   Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   Auto correct did me in. I've been seeing a girl who perspires a little when we have s-e-x. Hot. I typed, "Hi, sweety", and it changed it ti, "Hi, sweaty." Now she won't take my calls.

   Jesus Love You is a good thing to hear in church but a bad thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom why did you put your window at the same height as my ladder?

   It's so cold out I just saw a white person wearing tube socks with their shorts.

   I LOVE JESUS TOO...he's my mexican lover.

   Bruce Jenner looks like a FREAK ! Damn Dude, enough with the plastic surgery and hair implants...just grow old gracefully!

   I LOVE JESUS, you don't have to be a bitter atheist about it, I'm just expressing my sentiment with the majority of the people here. I LOVE JESUS

   Congratulations to Whitney Houston for being sober two years . . .

   mother nature... turning february into white history month...

   I think the Shriley Temple/Judy Garland status was a joke. The guy says oh.......AS#WIPE

   I bet the first guy to get his woman flowers was like, "What's something that'll start out beautiful, but quickly die like my relationship?"

   So now that she's dead, we can start putting booze in her drink. Right?

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom then you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

   I'm still trying to figure out my wife's logic from an argument we had in 2003.

   This year I'm getting my Valentine a new phone case. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but my Valentine is my phone.