Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?

   Ladies, It don't matter how tall or how short you are...but there is a weight limit

   Great another "stand your ground" case ut of Florida....... We all know if you wanna kill someone go to Florida and do it!

   Disappointed to tune into the Olympics to find that curling wasn't a Bicep competition.

   not seeing the pics from my southern friends of the 80 degree weather they usuallly post to us up North.Just pics of frozen windshields and idiots who don't own an ice scraper.

   8 corvettes fall into a giant sinkhole. Normally there is a giant hole inside a corvette, not the other way around.

   i tell the girl at el charros I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all

   I always enjoyed Sid's salads

   RIP Sid Caesar... always made me smile. A true comedian

   Now I know why they call her "head nurse" It's because she is in charge of the other nurses...not what I was hoping for.

   The fleetest beast to bear you to perfection is suffering.

   What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks have sex? Relative Humidity.

   Man, however, is the most courageous animal: hence he overcame every animal. With playing and brass he has so far overcome every pain; but human pain is the deepest pain.

   Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a big raunchy fart.

   A lawyer and a Priest are in a boat with three young boys, the boat gets a leak and is sinking fast. There are only 3 life jackets. Priest says, " we need to let the boys have these, " Lawyer," Screw those boys" Priest says " Is there time for that?"

   Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.

   It’s funny that there aren’t that many female mechanics yet most women try so hard to "fix" men.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   GF-So what are you doing on the 14th of february?BF: What day of the week it is?GF: Friday. BF:Leg's,Iam going to do leg's on Friday