Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't handle my Kung Fu noises in the bedroom, then it's probably not going to work out.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   Drake has female tendencies.

   "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

   Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.