sean Funny Status Messages

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.

   Before we jump all over him, are we sure Romney wasn't counting himself as one of the 47% of Americans who don't pay taxes?

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1% milk.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely