mtq Funny Status Messages

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   A Chinese woman said me, "You have no crass". I didn't know whether she was complimenting or insulting me.

   I just found out why Heidi Klum filed for divorce. Against her wishes....Seal would balance, spin, and bounce her up n' down on the tip of his nose whilst happily barking and clapping.

   My mom says to me, "What makes you think you're so great?" I said, "What makes you think that I think that?" She goes, "Because you just dumped a bucket of Gatorade over your head."

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   Winners in Arizona and Missouri. The Arizona winner will blow it all on skin lotion, and the Missouri winner will blow it all on having someone prove to them that they actually won.

   Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.