markf Funny Status Messages

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store

   I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes

   Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get