jitney Funny Status Messages

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   Hillary bumped into Trump on the way to the White House and she said "Pardon me"...He Replied, "You want another Pardon?"

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   Hillary: "Donald you need to release your taxes" Donald: "I emailed them to you!"

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   Im in the restroom using the urinals and someone walked next to me to catch a Pokemon!

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

   A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."

   Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.

   I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?

   Why are rat traps in the car-care section of this Walmart supermarket? Plenty to catch if they set it at the front of the store..

   Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat