SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.