Nipper Funny Status Messages

   saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   It takes Axl Rose approximately 12 minutes to sing 2 verses of "Head, Shoulders, na-na-na-na-na-na-Knees and Toes."

   "Ham-fisted" sounds glorious to some.

   Either I need to up my dosage or my income.

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers

   The worst part about buying new underwear is having to sew a sock on them every time.

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.

   At air shows in Japan, they have to get new pilots every year.

   My life is loosely based on a true story.

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   Human rights bill currently prevents cabinet ministers from being executed by anti-aircraft missile.

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes