Maureen Funny Status Messages

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   swears if burn my mouth on ONE MORE PIECE OF PIZZA...I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   turns out I don't know the back of my hand as well as I thought I did.

   Just so you know...weather conditions where simultaneously wearing shorts and Uggs is acceptable - NEVER EXIST!

   will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!

   Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best

   would like to go see Magic Mike, but only to explore the narrative, artistic, cultural, economic, and political implications of the film.

   Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.

   living in a van down by the river!

   has found my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   If you say “gullible” slow enough…it sounds like “orange”!

   Dear Karma – I have a list of a few people you missed. Sincerely, Me