Karen Funny Status Messages

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   You had me at gunpoint.

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.

   My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   I don't use turn signals when I drive because a lady never tells.

   There's no crying in Vodka

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.