J.D. Funny Status Messages

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

   I'm going to take a shot for every "like" I get on this status....then again....I'm taking shots whether you b*stards like it or not.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

   Facebook = Poor mans therapist...

   Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together

   Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape!

   when I am bored, I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. :p

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

   Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?

   How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for The Fresh Prints.

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad, and left with my mom.

   Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ''try me'' stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?

   Our economy would probably be much better if people only spent less time using facebook during work hours!!!

   RIP 2012 (2012-2012)

   I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99