Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   Trump is the tornado. And Hillary is the trailer park.

   There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.

   If Hillary wins the White House, I'm moving to a country that will be considerably more safe: Yemen.

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Pot Roast. Two of my favorite things.

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

   My wife, whose almost deaf wants a kid. She went to the doctor and he said she has a fissure in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a miracle. She thought he said she had a fish in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a mackerel.

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.