Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!

   My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.

   When Chelsea Clinton has her baby, do you think Bill is going to celebrate with a cigar?

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. And if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there