Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't, I just had her WiFi pass.........

   Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company

   Dear Liver: This month is gonna be tough. hang in there and stay strong buddy.

   Аliens would laugh if they knew the smartest spесies on the planet still kills each other over religion.

   I must have been involved in some filthy debauchery last night, because when I woke up the Jesus statue in my bedroom was facing the wall.

   Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

   The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   I do understand women, but I don't know how to explain them to you.

   If anybody out there is in quarantine right now, can I come over?

   I'm so ignored here I'm beginning to think all of you are actually cats.

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.

   No one calls you promiscuous because you have more than one beer

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.

   What I have survived could kill 99% of you.

   If elected president, I will remove all things Kardashian and Jenner from the Internet and television.

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   You never really expect to meet your soulmate in a strip club.

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again