Badd status Funny Status Messages

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.

   I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I'll say next.

   I'm watching this show on stalkers, still haven't seen any of you yet.

   I'm so happy Facebook wasn't around when I was in high school.

   Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?