@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in