friday OR weekend Funny Status Messages

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   I hate when we go on a weekend trip and my wife forgets to pack her vagina.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   With all the crowds of people there's going to be on Memorial Day weekend I'm not traveling, but not because of Coronavirus, I just don't like crowds.

   Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

   Twenty shootings in Chicago over the weekend. Sure signs that nothing has changed in Chicago despite the pandemic.

   Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.

   For the first time in my life, I did not welcome The Weekend.

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

   I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

   Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system.

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   If you're upset with a 200 year old statute and not the 70 murders in the US last weekend, you need to refocus your anger...