Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".

   My wife asked if I was listening. I heard enough to be concerned.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare. It lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot...

   What up MM?

   It's not easy being my wife's arm candy, but I hear I'm nailing it.

   Never put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy! But I'm your father! So join me maybe?

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

   I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

   I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around.

   I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like everyone else does.

   My wife asked if I was busy. I said, "Not physically".

   Whoever said I can't cook probably hasn't tried my cereal yet.

   My wife said, “Are you going to do that today?” I said, “That’s one of the options.”

   Step one: Go to a drive-thru. Step two: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me?" Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   I couldn't find a parking spot at work today... So I went home. Looks like they had enough people.