Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coors Light is like making love in a canoe. It's f--k-ng close to water.

   You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.

   The least the anonymous GaryKoenig can do is serve everyone a glass of water with his dry jokes.

   Basketball is like the weather. With either, things can change within a few minutes.

   Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

   The Who just announced their ultimate final 'The Song is Over' tour. Right,....WE WON'T BE FOOLED AGAIN !

   I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

   You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, please remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

   If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the darn snake.

   I'd believe the asshole if he claimed his address was 6969 Bendover Ave.

   Here you go moron! 400 Oak Ave, St Charles, MO 63301

   Your home address. Not the address where you give out government assisted blow jobs. Poosy.

   You want my address? Here it is! 1781 Zumbehl Road St Charles Missouri!

   See? The shrinking violet with the challenge wussied out. (No surprise. The sack of pus hasn't been out of mommy's basement in years.)