Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: When you go to borrow your husband's tools, don't put them back. You don't know where they belong. Have your husband take care of it. That way he can show some responsibility and make sure that his things are where he wants them to be.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high-speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   We're out shopping for new dishwashers because my wife says ours is broken. I'm still not sure why we're here and not at the hospital though.

   I am funny in the dark

   Dating your ex again is like buy your clothes back from GoodWill... There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.

   Now that everyone has a phone with a camera on them 24 hours a day, where have all the UFOs gone?

   The beard is the male version of a push up bra. Use it to your advantage...

   The scary part of Artificial Intelligence, is that it's becoming Artificially Influential.

   Number one 2026 Pick Up Line: "I have a full tank of gas."

   If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

   When we yawn, do deaf people think we are yelling?

   Whoever put the S in fast food is a marketing genius.

   I didn’t say you were a ho… I said you take bigger loads down the throat than Charlie Kirk

   Where can I apply for fuel stamps???

   My wife asked how golf went. I said, "Mentally? Tough. Spiritually? Necessary".

   I don't usually brag about going to expensive places... But I just left the gas station.

   My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".