Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't know why I'm so surprised Taylor swift got engaged with Travis Kelsy? Like I've been expecting her to call me any day now to tell me your the one I want!

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   Jesus kidnapped my girlfriend's brain.

   The sprite from McDonald’s could probably fry some chicken

   DONT TOUCH THIS” has got to be the scariest thing to read in braille

   Have you ever wondered how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   why is it that we Park in a Driveway and Drive in a Parkway?

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's really awesome.

   I'm Sychic and I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking I spelled psychic wrong.

   Harvesting work from paperclips

   Zero by dividing.

   I'm electrineering the engineers.

   If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic at all times.

   Did you develop your personality in a car crash?

   What doesn’t kill you disappoints the rest of us.

   You could have been an extra in Chernobyl.

   Just saw your picture on social media, and you look like a “before” picture.

   Don’t worry, someday the other one will drop.

   You do you. Because God knows no one else will.