Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   jimmy is short for james? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. do they even know what short means?

   I don’t think I’d ever be offended by other men hitting on my girlfriend. I’d me more offended if they didn’t. Coz what’s wrong with her?

   people who ask to try out your glasses then get their fingerprints smudged on them are the reason Jesus disappeared from ages 12 to 30.

   Nicki Minaj probably mixes all her make up in a bucket, adds water then sticks her head in and goes with whatever comes out.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I think my superpower is making mountains out out of molehills.

   you can call me "Han" cause I've been solo for so long now

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   He died doing what he loved, not replying to my texts.

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   A little choking never killed nobody

   Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.

   Loneliness is holding paper warm from the printer close because it's what you remember hugs felt like.

   Element: Women Discoverer: Adam, 4000BC Symbol: eye roll Boiling Point: Inconsistent Atomic Mass: WTF DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS?!

   The spice girls were right...f cuk the police

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.

   A new game show for parents with newly born babies: So You Think You Can Sleep.

   Until you actually do go after all religions equally, spare me the hipper than thou crap.

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.