Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass.

   I plan on drinking all my morals away.

   I just replaced the deodorant in the office's bathroom with an air horn. And now I wait.

   I just got my foot stuck in my wife's bra. I asked her what kind of boobie trap is this? She laughed and I laughed and she asked me never tell another joke for at least a week...

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...

   That sounds fried. I'll take it.

   Things haven't changed since the the Garden Of Eden. Women are still offering men a bite of the forbidden fruit, and when they oblige, all hell breaks loose, the only difference is that now, the man is the bad guy.

   After a while, you begin to suspect there’s no right person for you, just different flavors of wrong.

   The weekend is the reason I work Monday-Friday.

   If the temperature is 94°, yet it feels like 106°, then as far as I'm concerned, it's 106°...which explains my breaking all speed records in getting this ice cream home before it melts.

   Johnny Manziel joins Cleveland Browns... is sacked three times trying to get off the stage....

   So Boko Haram is partying, while the idîots are droning innoceñts elsewhere

   having sex with your ex is not cheating.....it is just a retirement benefits scheme

   Chocolate, candy and flowers def got her in the mood until she asked me where I got the pretty roses from.. I guess the Cemetery after work was not a good answer \ :O /

   Browns fans haven't been this pumped since one second before Elway started The Drive.

   I hate it when people think I don't like them... I guess I need to do a better job of hiding the fact that I hate them.

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   .... Boko Haram is the reason drones were invented.