Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   Casey Kasem found safe today in Washington state. Overheard nearby: "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids."

   If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

   Micheal Sam is good enough at publicly wanting privacy he could be a Kardashian!

   If Nancy Pelosi gets one more facelift , she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil .

   Donald Sterling, Solange, and Michael Sam walk into a bar,,,,who am I kidding, Donald Sterling would NEVER was into a bar with either of them.....

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   Someone should tell all the policemen, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the real hero's are public gays...

   I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   Ladies: be careful if you wear spaghetti straps. It distracts us guys because it makes us think about pasta. And we will do anything to get pasta.

   Hey part-time Christians; The word of God was meant to be kept not borrowed whenever and wherever it suits you.

   You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.

   Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese

   Wish my Google phone had "I'm Feeling Lucky" button when I want to be the 10th caller.

   Sleeping is so old school, there's no technology involved