Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.

   My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   According to my current parking spot, I'm Chief of Police.

   I just realized the one single thing that would preclude me from becoming a biker. I bathe.

   I bet global warming is caused by all the baby boomer women hitting menopause.

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses.

   I used to talk the talk and walk the walk until I met you; and now, I'm howling with the wolves like you.

   The stupid doctor keeps insisting that I suffer from Adult ADD ... What an idiot!! ... Heck, as far as I'm concerned SQUIRREL!!!!

   Sometimes you have to dream in the middle of a nightmare.

   The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

   -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

   Sorry I grabbed your crotch while looking for my moral compass.

   I'm not saying I hate you but if I could go back in time I'd buy you a ticket on the missing Malaysian plane.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.

   Side boob is only hot on women, bro.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   Mike Tyson , Miguel Olivo .....if the zombies do come, it looks like they're starting as athletes 1st

   Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.