Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.

   Nothing says, "creative genius" like posting, "Good Morning!" with a cup of coffee with a smiley in the foam.

   Taking a nice big healthy crap: Best weight-loss plan ever.

   If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.

   'You have me now', I whisper as I delete all the contacts from your phone.

   Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

   Me: Am I unattractive? Husband: No. You're annoying, but definitely not unattractive. That'll work.

   You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

   I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all.

   At the end of the new Adam Sandler movie they don't roll the credits they roll the blames.

   One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.

   Anne Davies passes away and on the same day her twin sister Phil Mickelson is in the news for insider trading. What are the odds?

   Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.

   Have you ever farted and it smelled so bad you had to leave the room?

   A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

   Damn hard of hearing pharmacist. I had trouble sleeping so I asked for Nytol. He gave me Mydol. So here I am, wide awake, but I have to admit the cramps and bloating are gone.

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.

   Seems like a circular driveway would be pointless...how would you ever get out?

   My girlfriend isn't much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!